Our nation faces many many dire emergencies that a man of my hair should quickly address.
Donald Trump has declared a national emergency at our country’s southern border, even though there is none. Meanwhile, there are actual national emergencies that he, and most everyone else, has overlooked. If so empowered, I would immediately declare the following national emergencies and take the actions prescribed below to remedy them. You’re welcome.
Emergency: The average length of a baseball game feels longer than the Mueller investigation.
In 2018, the average length of a regular season baseball game was three hours. The average length of a postseason baseball game was three hours and thirty-one minutes. All of my well-reasoned solutions to pick up the pace of play – most notably, having a ball hit into the stands caught by a fan be ruled as an out – have been flatly rejected or ignored by the owners, players, or both. My emergency declaration would shorten the distance between bases to nine and a half feet, allow outfielders to wear jetpacks to increase the chances of them catching fly balls hit high over their heads, and mandate home plate umpires to declare a forfeit if a hitter steps of the batter’s box or scratches his crotch between pitches. Also, starting immediately, Manny Machado would be required to run to first base.
Emergency: We have a nationwide epidemic of drug commercials.
According to USA Today, drugmakers spent over $6 billion in advertising, mostly for television commercials, in 2017. In 2019, it is projected that they will spend that much just to air spots during Morning Joe. Many of the drugs are for fictional ailments, such as Pink Tongue Syndrome. Drugs that are for real diseases either don’t work, you can’t afford, or have undesirable side effects, including numbness or tingling, vision problems, chest pains, shortness of breath, hives and itching, unusual bruising or bleeding, tuberculosis, loss of body fat and muscles, blood in phlegm, diarrhea, constipation, burning when you urinate, and thoughts of self-asphyxiation next Tuesday. My emergency declaration would require drug companies to actually show a drug’s side effects in their commercials rather than healthy people kayaking and shopping for antiques.
Emergency: You can’t get a regular exorbitantly priced ticket to any concert you really want to attend.
You were willing to debase yourself by spending $189.95, plus $106.25 in Ticketmaster fees for a seat in row ZZ in the upper tier mezzanine for The Eagles umpteenth final reunion tour. But the concert is sold out, even though tickets went on sale a mere 4.8 seconds ago. However, tickets are plentiful at Stubhub, or at a seemingly infinite number of other secondary ticket market websites. In fact, a truly sensational pair of seats to The Eagles umpteenth final reunion tour is yours for just $2,250.50, with the convenient option of having the tickets shipped to you overnight for as little as $42.99. As for that lousy seat you were hoping to get for $189.95, plus $106.25 in Ticketmaster fees, it can still be yours for the new bargain price of $475. My emergency declaration would direct all secondary market ticket-sellers to pay every cent they have ever collected above the face value of their tickets to concert-goers as compensation for their Ticketmaster fees.
Emergency: It is impossible to find a restaurant that serves organic, gluten-free avocado toast.
A recent review of menus from America’s 100 top-rated restaurants confirmed that not one of them currently offer organic, gluten-free avocado toast. While it is unclear when avocado toast actually became a thing, self-diagnosed gluten sensitivity has been intensely annoying since even before the inexplicable advent of coconut water in 2011. While organic farming began at the turn of the 19th century, it did not officially become a total pain in the ass until the launch of Whole Foods in 1980. Out of respect to organic, gluten-free, vegans, my emergency declaration, which I don’t really have to do, would mandate that all restaurants not serving organic, gluten-free avocado toast be required to post an illuminated sign on their front window which reads: “Sorry, we do not serve organic, gluten-free avocado toast.”
Emergency: Most of the calls you will get this year will be from computers.
It is estimated that nearly 50 billion robo calls will be made this year, two billion of them to you. CNN reports that the FCC reports that about half of the calls you will receive in 2019 will be robotic. The IRS may have issued a warrant for your arrest. Or you may be able to refinance your home while getting your penis enlarged. Or perhaps you’re a grand prize winner in the “international lottery” and the good news is that all you need to do to collect your winnings is provide your name and social security number. On the plus side, you don’t answer your phone or listen to your messages anyway, so no worries. My emergency declaration, on which I may get a bad ruling in the lower courts but maybe a fair shake in the Supreme Court, would make robo calls, as well as sending any email from “Express Pharmacy,” a crime punishable by death – in Oklahoma.
Emergency: Unreturned shopping carts have created a horrific national parking space shortage at grocery stores.
Drive into any supermarket parking lot and you will find countless unreturned shopping carts carelessly strewn about, blocking otherwise desirable parking spaces and causing millions of Americans to uncontrollably swear, even in the presence of their children. This well-known but seldom discussed social scourge often results in there being no carts for shoppers at a store’s entrance, which frequently induces further uncontrollable swearing, followed by an overall loss of faith in the decency of humanity. Supermarkets have tried addressing the issue by adding cart receptacles to lots, but the problem continues unabated. My emergency declaration would be to institute a variation of the airport luggage cart system at all supermarkets, requiring a payment of $5 for the use of a shopping cart, the full amount which would be repaid upon the return of the cart to whomever returns it. I know, it’s pure genius!
Emergency: Alec Baldwin’s Trump impersonation.
The biggest threat to our nation, believe me, isn’t Donald Trump, it’s Donald Trump impersonator, Alec Baldwin. If you doubt this, just ask the poor schmuck that Baldwin punched in the face last year in a dispute over a parking spot. While America’s national security may be threatened by Trump’s lying, racism, misogyny, ignorance, and incompetence, it is Baldwin’s outrageous (and maybe slanderous?) spoofing of his lying, racism, misogyny, ignorance, and incompetence that is of far greater concern. Keep in mind that no other modern president, with the few exceptions of Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon and John Kennedy, have been subjected to such comic mockery. My emergency declaration would be to immediately remove Trump from office, thereby ending Baldwin’s dangerously unhinged reign as America’s Commander In-Chief impersonator.