The Yankees are on pace again to lead the the majors in medical updates.
The New York Yankees have announced medical updates on all of their injured players, coaching staff, executives and others associated with the team.
First, in good news, Giancarlo Stanton has resumed baseball activities and has started taking batting practice with a crutch.
Slugger Aaron Judge, while still out with a broken rib, has received permission from MLB to come to bat with an icepack velcroed to his rib cage when he returns.
Ace Luis Severino has undergone a successful arm transplant and is expected back after the 2028 all-star break.
Pitcher James Paxton’s recovery has been delayed because Dr. James Andrew performed surgery on the wrong arm.
In better news, Aaron Hicks, who is coming back from Tommy John surgery, was cleared to begin swinging a whiffle ball bat while being pitched to by his 6-year old son. In addition, Brett Gardner’s gingivitis is said to be treatable and he will see a dentist between innings in spring training games.
Team pitching coach, Larry Rothschild, informed the media that reliever Zach Britton has misplaced his pitching hand, however he believes it is in the team’s Lost and Found. Rothschild himself has a Grade 1 lower back strain, which he suffered while staining his deck last summer.
In unrelated stories, while playing pool, General Manager Brian Cashman hit his mother in the nose with the 9-ball. She is expected to fully heal, however plastic surgery has not been ruled out. And in a tragedy for the Steinbrenner family, a good friend of Hal’s was inadvertently cremated while still alive.
Getting back to the team, Like Voit became the first player in baseball history to be diagnosed with scurvy. He was placed on the injured reserve list retroactive to 1871.
Miguel Anduar’s plaque psoriasis, while not expected to keep him out of the lineup, has landed him an Otzela commercial.
DJ LaMahieu remains sidelined with memory loss and will not return to the team until he remembers where the stadium is.
At a press conference, Yankees PR Director Jason Zillo flatly denied rumors that announcer John Sterling died in 2009 and has since been portrayed by an impersonator. When asked, Zilo confirmed that his recent Lasik surgery went well, though he is having problems getting reimbursed by his insurance company.
Cather Gary Sanchez’s chronic constipation likely means that he will start the season at first base.
Closer Adrlois Chapman has gastro-esophageal Reflux Disease, more commonly known as heartburn. He is expected to pitch with antacids through the first half of the season and is a likely shoe-in for the Tums Fireman of the Year.
JA Happ has a blister on the blister of his pitching hand that will require misdiagnosing for several months before the cause is found.
Visiting pitching instructor Ron Guidry sprained his wrist while plucking his mustache.
Mike Tauchman has a Grade XII oblique sprain.
Mike Ford is going prematurely bald.
Glyber Torres pulled his hammy, Clint Frazier pulled his pectoral, Yankee fans pulled their hair.
Gerrit Cole is scheduled to be injured soon and be out for the rest of the century.
The Yankees are still favorites to win the division.