Full Yankees Injury and Ailment Report for Players, Coaching Staff and Execs

The Yankees are on pace again to lead the the majors in medical updates.

The Yankees are on pace again to lead the the majors in medical updates.

The New York Yankees have announced medical updates on all of their injured players, coaching staff, executives and others associated with the team. 

First, in good news, Giancarlo Stanton has resumed baseball activities and has started taking batting practice with a crutch. 

Slugger Aaron Judge, while still out with a broken rib, has received permission from MLB to come to bat with an icepack velcroed to his rib cage when he returns. 

Ace Luis Severino has undergone a successful arm transplant and is expected back after the 2028 all-star break.

Pitcher James Paxton’s recovery has been delayed because Dr. James Andrew performed surgery on the wrong arm. 

In better news, Aaron Hicks, who is coming back from Tommy John surgery, was cleared to begin swinging a whiffle ball bat while being pitched to by his 6-year old son. In addition, Brett Gardner’s gingivitis is said to be treatable and he will see a dentist between innings in spring training games. 

Team pitching coach, Larry Rothschild, informed the media that reliever Zach Britton has misplaced his pitching hand, however he believes it is in the team’s Lost and Found. Rothschild himself has a Grade 1 lower back strain, which he suffered while staining his deck last summer. 

In unrelated stories, while playing pool, General Manager Brian Cashman hit his mother in the nose with the 9-ball. She is expected to fully heal, however plastic surgery has not been ruled out. And in a tragedy for the Steinbrenner family, a good friend of Hal’s was inadvertently cremated while still alive. 

Getting back to the team, Like Voit became the first player in baseball history to be diagnosed with scurvy. He was placed on the injured reserve list retroactive to 1871. 

Miguel Anduar’s plaque psoriasis, while not expected to keep him out of the lineup, has landed him an Otzela commercial. 

DJ LaMahieu remains sidelined with memory loss and will not return to the team until he remembers where the stadium is. 

At a press conference, Yankees PR Director Jason Zillo flatly denied rumors that announcer John Sterling died in 2009 and has since been portrayed by an impersonator. When asked, Zilo confirmed that his recent Lasik surgery went well, though he is having problems getting reimbursed by his insurance company. 

Cather Gary Sanchez’s chronic constipation likely means that he will start the season at first base.  

Closer Adrlois Chapman has gastro-esophageal Reflux Disease, more commonly known as heartburn. He is expected to pitch with antacids through the first half of the season and is a likely shoe-in for the Tums Fireman of the Year. 

JA Happ has a blister on the blister of his pitching hand that will require misdiagnosing for several months before the cause is found. 

Visiting pitching instructor Ron Guidry sprained his wrist while plucking his mustache. 

Mike Tauchman has a Grade XII oblique sprain. 

Mike Ford is going prematurely bald.

Glyber Torres pulled his hammy, Clint Frazier pulled his pectoral, Yankee fans pulled their hair. 

Gerrit Cole is scheduled to be injured soon and be out for the rest of the century. 

The Yankees are still favorites to win the division. 

An Ignorant Satirist Answers Your Questions About Coronavirus

Stay calm, like me.

Stay calm, like me.

In case you haven’t heard, the coronavirus is spreading and we will all be dead soon.  However, whether you are liberal or conservative, there is no reason to be frightened. 

Conservatives can take comfort in knowing that President Sociopath has appointed Mike Pence, a man so deeply rooted in science that while Governor of Indiana he signed a bill mandating funerals for aborted zygotes, as his coronavirus “response coordinator.” (He would have called him “czar” but Putin advised against it until after the election.) 

Liberals can take comfort knowing that most experts who have studied the situation agree that Americans are far more likely to die and much sooner via mass shootings. 

Clearly then, this is not a time for panic, but on the other hand, maybe it is.  I was just sitting at my desk with my chin resting in my hand when an article popped up on my tablet: “Why It’s Very Important to Stop Touching Your Face.” Oops. 

No worries, a local Zen monastery has a walk-in cooler in its basement and I am going to spend the week quarantined there and I promise not to cough on the stored raw potatoes without a surgical mask. By the way, if you are looking for a great deal on surgical masks, check out Amazon where you can get two for $149 from a third-party seller who does not offer free shipping, even for Prime members. Act now, supplies are limited. 

Here are answers to the most frequently asked questions:

Is it safe for me to have sex?

You’re not having sex anyway, so let’s move on to more relevant questions. 

What impact is coronavirus having on the lucrative pole-dancing and mud-wrestling industries? 

Attendance is notably down at Stiffy’s Gentleman Club in Astoria, where pole-dancing has been replaced by “erotic pole-cleaning” with various disinfectants and green cleaners. Mud wrestling has been replaced by hand-wrestling with Purell.      

If someone accidentally spews tuna salad in my face while talking with their mouth full, will I contract the virus?

You might. And if you do, you might not know. And if you pass it on to someone else, you might not know. And if they pass it on to someone, they might not know. In fact, you might not know anything. So, take common sense precautions, the most important of which is to not sit close enough to anyone so you can hear them without repeatedly saying, “What?”

Is this a good time to go on a cruise?

Prices have never been so low to book a slow boat to China. Also, travel insurance will now sometimes cover up to 3% of your coronavirus-related lab-test expenses, subject to pre-approval, reasonable and customary fees, and having an in-network provider in the United States. Other arbitrary rules apply, so be sure to take advantage of this! 

How can I protect myself? 

Sorry, you can’t. The universe is a totally random place.  How else can we possibly understand the popularity of Dancing With The Stars

Should I consider getting a Hazmat suit? 

Definitely. You look great in yellow and even if you don’t wear it outside, you will enjoy putting your Hazmat suit on in the bedroom. Important note: Hazmat suits can be uncomfortable for those allergic to rubber. Trust me, I know. 

Where can I get reliable information? 

From me. 

Are we doomed? 

Yes, however that was true long before coronavirus. 

 

 

 

 

 

How The Left's Embrace of Cancel Culture Threatens to Enable Trump and Cancel Democracy

canceled_1440x600.jpg

Recently, I heard from a liberal friend who says that she cannot in good conscience vote for any Democratic candidate for President except Bernie Sanders. Afterwards, I was informed by a liberal on social media that he can’t, under any circumstances, vote for Michael Bloomberg. 

So, imagine this scenario: Bloomberg wins the nomination. A significant portion of Sanders and Warren people sit out because they refuse to support a billionaire.  A significant portion of Joe Biden supporters sit out because of Bloomberg’s previous embrace of stop and frisk. Some of Amy Klobuchar supporters sit out because they would only vote for a woman (which Bloomberg, as far as we know, is not). Some of Pete Butigieg’s supporters stay home simply because they’re not inspired. Who do you think wins the election? 

Or, imagine this scenario: Sanders wins the nomination. A significant portion of Bloomberg, Biden, Klobuchar and Buttigieg supporters sit out because Sanders is a socialist. A portion of Warren supporters sit out because they would only vote for a woman (which Sanders, as far as we know, is not). Who do you think wins the election? 

Or, imagine this scenario: Klobuchar wins the nomination.  A significant portion of Sanders and Warren supporters sit out because they refuse to vote for a Washington insider. A portion of Bloomberg, Biden and Buttigeg supporters sit out because Klobuchar’s last name does not begin with a “B.” Who do you think wins the election? 

Or, imagine this scenario: Butigieg wins the nomination. A significant portion of Sanders, Warren, Bloomberg, Biden and Klobuchar supporters sit out because they refuse to pull the lever for a candidate who hasn’t yet governed a city with as many people as a New York City apartment building. Who do you think wins the election? 

Or, imagine this scenario: Biden wins the nomination. A significant portion of Sanders, Warren, Bloomberg, Buttigieg and Klobuchar supporters sit out because they refuse to forgive Biden for his vote in favor of the war in Iraq and for giving Anita Hill such a hard time. Who do you think wins the election? 

Or, imagine this scenario: Warren wins the nomination. A significant portion of Sanders supporters sit out because they are furious to have lost to “Bernie light.”  A significant portion of Bloomberg, Biden, Klobuchar and Buttigieg supporters sit out because, although she claims to be a capitalist, Warren is actually a socialist. Who do you think wins the election? 

This is how Democrats lose, by adopting the kind of purity test that Barack Obama warned against in 2019.  Republicans know that they are voting and know who they are voting for. As a liberal or left-leaning moderate, you either get the existential threat that the current noxious occupant of the White House poses, or you don’t.  If you get it, you push for your favorite candidate as best you can and vote for whoever wins the Democratic nomination, even if they get it playing dirty. New flash: Politics is a dirty game, which is why most people don’t want to be politicians. If you don’t get the existential threat Trump poses, then you sit out the election if your favorite candidate doesn’t get the nomination or your least favorite candidate does. You stay at home under the illusion that you have claimed some kind of moral high ground when all you have done is failed to take a stand against a dangerous and vile autocrat. 

When liberals announce that names of the Democratic candidates they can’t bring themselves to vote for, or the only one they can, they play directly into Trump’s hands. If Trump, with all his racism, misogyny, environmental terrorism, criminality, revenge firings, non-stop lies, toxic narcissism and pervasive ugliness doesn’t motivate liberals to vote for his opponent, whoever it is, then they are part of the problem. There is no perfect candidate; there never is. 

Some liberals, like myself, just want Trump defeated. Personally, I think Sanders would lose, but that doesn’t mean that he would lose. Hey, I picked Perot as the winner in 1992. Any of the current Democratic candidates could win — or lose. There is no sure bet. Except this: Trump will excoriate and viciously smear his opponent. It will be an ugly, mean-spirited, no holds-barred shit-show, because Trump brings everyone who would hold him accountable down to his level. He’s the political equivalent of the Joker. He will stop at nothing to cause mayhem and a victorious opponent will have to cause some mayhem too.

I think Bloomberg has a better shot than the other near-80-year old geezers. Biden seems past his prime. Sanders never looks good to me and, besides, Americans fear communists more than fascists. Bloomberg gets under Trump’s skin and throws him off his game. Buttigieg? My God, he’s 19, but at least he presents a striking contrast by being everything that Trump is not: young, gay, a military veteran and devoted husband. Klobuchar has appeal for me because she too would present a sharp contrast to Trump and perhaps win much needed votes in the central states. Warren? I don’t know what happened to her campaign, but if she really wants a progressive at the top of the ticket, she should drop out and tell her supporters to support Sanders. All of this said, if that wacko new-age author, what’s her name, jumps back in the race and wins the nomination, she’s got my vote. 

Liberals need to stop playing the moral equivalency game. Remember what Colin Kapernick said about candidates Trump and Clinton:  “It almost seems like they’re trying to debate who’s less racist” and that it “really didn’t matter to him” who won. Great job, Colin. You think Hillary would have crowed that “there are very good people on both sides” after Charlottesville?  You think Hillary would have tweeted on Martin Luther King Day that revered civil right leader John Lewis was “all talk, no action”? You think that Hillary would have called for NFL players who chose to kneel during the National Anthem to be thrown out of the country? 

The left’s embrace of cancel culture threatens to bring us four more years of President Sociopath and the only thing that will be canceled then is our democracy, or what’s left of it. This far into the election cycle, it’s as disturbing as it is revealing that so many progressives are actually “regressives" by failing to understand what’s at stake. 

Bernie Sanders Can't Win an Election vs. the Trump Creature from the Black Lagoon

President Trump at a recent campaign rally.

President Trump at a recent campaign rally.

Bernie Sanders reports that his campaign raised $34.5 million in contributions in the final quarter of 2019. It’s an impressive number, outpacing both of his closet rivals, Pete Buttigieg and Joe Biden, by over $10 million. The independent Democratic socialist from Vermont might actually be the Democratic candidate and if he is, get ready for four more years of President Sociopath.

According to his primary care physician, who Bernie should not trust, he was in “good health” following a heart attack and the insertion of two stents a few months ago. Yes, I suppose for a 78-year old patient who has been treated for gout, high cholesterol, diverticulitis, hypothyroidism, – should I keep going? – laryngitis secondary to esophageal reflux (whatever that is), lumbar strain, and complete removal of superficial skin lesions, Bernie was and remains in tiptop shape.

You may love Bernie, but if you don’t think his health – not Trump’s – would be a major campaign issue in a race between them, then I suggest you lay off the progressive Kool-aid. Bernie doesn’t look good and he will look much worse standing, or hunching as the case may be, next to President Sociopath, a mutant of a man with a perverse life force, possessing all the shimmering vitality of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

What do you suppose the Creature from the Black Lagoon has for dinner? Probably not an Impossible Burger, I can tell you that. The Creature subsists on whatever sludge is found at the bottom of its fetid swamp and it enjoys it. Water contaminated with toxic bacteria is its crème fraiche.

The Creature does not eat well, nor does it get enough sleep or exercise, yet somehow it never seems to lack energy when emerging from the murky depths to stalk a sexy babe in a bathing suit out for an afternoon swim. One must begrudgingly admit that as creatures from lagoons go, the Creature from the black one is in remarkably fine shape. Note to Bernie: Don’t go swimming in a lagoon. You are much safer in the hotel pool where there’s a lifeguard on duty and the medics can arrive in less than three minutes if your arteries suddenly plug up again. 

The Creature from the Black Lagoon is repulsive, sure, but nowhere near as repulsive to swing voters who will decide the upcoming presidential election as a socialist. Voters in the states that Trump flipped fear communists far more than they do fascists. Meanwhile, Bernie looks and sounds like a Bolshevik, a benevolent Bolshevik, but a Bolshevik nonetheless. He would lose the election to Tucker Carlson.

Bernie enthusiasts understandably have a chip on their shoulders. The fix was in for Hillary and Bernie would have likely waged a better campaign than she did and he may have even defeated Trump. But that was then.  

If Bernie wins the nomination he will be the next George McGovern. He will have the passion and the outrage of the left behind him and be trounced by the corrupt incumbent. In the progressive lane, Elizabeth Warren would at least give the Dems a fighting chance, especially with a Cory Booker as her running mate.

Bottom line: Bernie is a combination of too old, unhealthy and liberal to slay the Trump Creature from the Black Lagoon, who will not be defeated without getting in the lagoon with him and fighting like a monster in the muck. Bernie doesn’t have the temperament or stamina for that, which is hardly an insult. 

With due respect, I suggest that Bernie retire and get a job as a spokesman for Ben & Jerry’s. It would be a great gig for him, as long as he lays off that artery-clogging Chunky Monkey.  

 

 

 

 

An Open Letter to Maureen Dowd’s Brother

Maureen’s Dowd’s brother, Kevin, as seen in the New York Times on Thanksgiving 2019. Photo: Gabriella Demczuk

Maureen’s Dowd’s brother, Kevin, as seen in the New York Times on Thanksgiving 2019. Photo: Gabriella Demczuk

Maureen Dowd turns her New York Times op-ed column over to her Trumpster brother, Kevin, once a year on Thanksgiving.  Kevin, like the autocratic president he so admires, has a chip on his shoulder the size of Jupiter. Here is my reply to his colorful defense of all things Trump: 

Dear Kevin,

I wish my sister was a big shot columnist at the failing New York Times who would turn her widely read column over to me once a year. You can thank the biased liberal press for such a wonderful opportunity. 

I could not help but notice that you open your tirade with the classic gripe, “the liberals still sneer at religious conservatives.”  You think more so than conservatives still sneer at atheists? I will answer that question for you: You have no idea, and neither do I. Sneering is not something easily measured or quantified, but I get your point. You feel so thoroughly sneered at that you “wouldn’t let a liberal come with you to a Knights of Columbus Bar.” Kevin, while I am a liberal, I was born on Columbus Day, so I hope that you will make an exception for me. I promise to never sneer at your religion. You don’t have to worry about that because just like President Sociopath, I too have read “2 Corinthians.” 

I agree with you that it is nice the economy is doing as well as it is and it is lovely that the jobless rate is low, just as it was under President Obama, who unlike President Sociopath inherited an economy on the brink of collapse. Let’s suppose that you are correct in your assumption that President Sociopath’s deregulation “fueled the stock market.”  I wonder: If you or your dear sister, Maureen, got cancer caused by one of the 85 environment rules rolled back by President Sociopath’s EPA, would you still be crowing about the stock market? 

You say that Michael Bloomberg should “stop apologizing for reducing crime in New York City,” but you say not a word about how his stop and frisk policy unfairly impacted people of color. Obviously, you very much enjoy being white. As a white person myself, I can hardly blame you for that.

You say that you support President Sociopath for “saving the Supreme Court from Hillary Clinton.” So, I take that to mean that you have no problem with his vicious attacks of the judicial branch, his questioning of whether Judge Gonzalo Curiel was fit to hear a case because he is Mexican, or his talk of “Obama judges” when it serves his sick narrative.

You say that you “feel safe in bed” with the way President Sociopath “is handling Iran and North Korea. Do you feel safe when you are not in bed with the way President Sociopath is handling guns? Please don’t answer, it’s a rhetorical question. 

I hope that you are not expecting some kind of special credit from liberals for acknowledging that President Sociopath’s manners “are sometimes missing.” Yes, and Joey Chestnut “sometimes overeats.” That is correct, sir!

You proclaim, “The impeachment inquiry is a farce.” How original of you! It’s not as if you are merely repeating something that you heard President Sociopath spew. Oh wait…

Kevin, I have some news that you might find tough to take. President Sociopath released the aid to Ukraine because he was caught withholding it. Here is another newsflash: The parrot in Monty Python’s Dead Parrot Sketch was actually dead.

You may be right that there will be “not one Republican who will vote to impeach.” Italian fascists didn’t oppose Mussolini either. Your point?  

Was Hillary really “the worst candidate in political history”? Need I remind you that she received nearly three million more votes than the winner of the election? By the way, have you ever heard of George McGovern? He lost 49 states, but never mind. 

What really cracks me up about you, Kevin, is this: You lament that Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigeg, being “the least two crazy people in the (democratic) field have absolutely no chance,” after your party was taken over by Mr. Ignorant Batshit himself. 

You bash the bias of the “mainstream media,” whatever that is nowadays when most people get their news in their own social media bubble, but you do not bother to cite any of your highly objective news sources. 

You conclude by complaining that a recent piece in the HuffPost “turkey-shamed us all” on Thanksgiving. Well, not me, I’m a vegetarian. However, please note: I happily shared my holiday meal with turkey-eaters, some of whom believe in Jesus, who I don’t think ever existed. And yet, even though I am liberal, I did not feel superior to anyone. I can almost hear you saying that I am not really a liberal then. 

Clearly, if your esteemed left-wing sister can’t change your political mind, then nothing I’ve written here is going to do the trick either. What is sad for me is that I would like to think that you are decent guy and you probably are, though not much decency comes through your screed. You come off as angry and aggrieved and, worst of all, uninformed. Right wing media will do that to you, you can look it up.

What scares me is that you seem oblivious to the ugliness of President Sociopath and the mortal danger that he poses. And if you haven’t gotten that by now, you never will. That is the unbridgeable American divide. You think that Michael Palin in Monty Python’s Dead Parrot Sketch was right when he insisted that the parrot was “just resting.” Except when you say it, it’s not funny.

Merry whatever you celebrate,

Joe Raiola

Longtime MAD Senior Editor, Joe Raiola Reflects on the End of the MAD Error

Joe Raiola at an editorial meeting at the MAD office in 2017.

Joe Raiola at an editorial meeting at the MAD office in 2017.

As has been widely reported, MAD Magazine will soon disappear from newsstands. This raises the question of how long it will be before newsstands disappear, but that is a topic for another day. As an editor and contributor to MAD, the world’s best-selling magazine with that title, for 34 years starting in 1984, the news (GAK!) hardly came as a surprise to me.  

That MAD survived and remained relevant for as long as it did is a testament to the oddball editorial team that was rooted in the Bill Gaines era. Against overwhelming odds, unfavorable market forces, and an exceptionally poor snack selection from our vending machine, we somehow managed to keep MAD going through the end of 2017, when Rolling Stone called it “America’s best political satire magazine.” 

For 65 years, starting in 1952 when Gaines and Harvey Kurztman created MAD, it had a remarkable continuity of talent, including editors, writers and artists. But that came to a furshlugginer halt when DC Comics, which took over MAD after Gaines died in 1992, relocated the magazine from New York to Burbank in January 2018. 

With the exception of a newly hired Production Artist, Bern Mendoza, no one from our team was willing to relocate. DC had first tried to bring MAD west in 2014, when the entire company packed up and left. However, when every member of the staff, except for Production Artist Doug Thomson, declined the invitation, MAD was given an unexpected reprieve in New York. 

In June 2017, a new editorial group, led by Bill Morrison, best known for his work with Bongo Comics (which he co-founded with Matt Groening and others) and as Art Director for Futurama, started to take shape. With such impressive credentials, Bill was widely regarded as an excellent choice to lead MAD.

But from the perspective of those of us on the old MAD staff, bringing in anyone from the outside was a bad move. The distinctive MAD voice, the voice that makes MAD MAD, is not something that can be assigned. It is a voice that can only be passed down from one generation to the next in the ridiculous comedy trenches of MAD itself. I knew the MAD voice very well when I started out as an editor in 1985 with my writing partner, Charlie Kadau. But I still had a lot to learn. 

Over the years, I received a kind of “MAD transmission” from John Ficarra, who received his “MAD transmission” from Nick Meglin and Al Feldstein. Feldstein, who was at the helm of MAD for 28 years and whose roots go back to the legendary EC Comics days, took over in 1956 when Harvey Kurztman departed. Sam Vivano, who became Art Director in 1999, had already been a MAD illustrator for nearly 20 years and had learned from previous Art Director, Lenny “The Beard” Brenner. We were all nourished, in unlikely and outrageous fashion, by Gaines. The younger members of the MAD staff, who never met Gaines, knew him through us. They heard Gaines stories; they understood his twisted MAD sensibilities. 

Bill Morrison and his team would not have the benefit of that essential experience. As talented as the team was, not a single member had ever written ever written for MAD. (That included the aforementioned Doug Thomson, who had left MAD a few years earlier and joined the new team as Design Director.) In sharp contrast, our team had five seasoned MAD writers, all of whom had contrbuted to MAD before becoming editors. To make the new team’s task even more difficult, members of the old team were prohibited by corporate rules from contributing material to the new MAD for a full year.

The fact is that there was a veteran junior team in place -- Dave Croatto, Ryan Flanders, Jake Lambert and Patty Dwyer – that had learned from us and was ready to take on the daunting challenge of keeping MAD alive. But DC never offered anyone from the junior team editorial control. Instead, the junior team, along with Charlie and myself (not John Ficarra or Sam Viviano), were asked to move to California, this time to report to a new editor, who at the time of the invitation was unknown. But knowing the identity of the new editor being hired from the outside wouldn’t have mattered.

The only conceivable way that any of us would have perhaps considered moving to Burbank was if a member of our team was given the opportunity to succeed John Ficarra. MAD was familial and that is a core element of what made it unique and beloved. Only we knew how the MAD sauce was made and the only way anyone could learn the recipe was to work with us for a while. 

During my last few months as Senior Editor, I met with Bill Morrison several times, doing my best to help him prepare to take hold of MAD’s editorial reins. I knew the odds were stacked against the new team, even more than they were against us, but I wanted it to succeed. I did not want the magazine that I loved as a kid, and spent nearly my entire professional career working at, to bite the dust. . 

In fairness to the new MAD team, it inherited our core business problem of declining readership, one that we were never able to solve, as much as it did our creative legacy. While dealing with the inevitable corporate pressure, the new team did its best to address the former while honoring the latter, and that is all that we reasonably could have asked of it.

To its credit, in its first year the new MAD team had a high-profile success with a parody of ”The Gashlycrumb Tinies” by Edward Corey called “The Ghastlygun Tinies.” Written by Matt Cohen, who was an intern for our team many moons ago, the piece commenting on gun violence was an instant MAD classic. 

At the risk of blowing my own horn, I will mention that MAD was commenting on the proliferation of guns as far back as 1992, when Charlie Kadau and I co-wrote a parody of a popular NRA campaign that featured a striking photo of an armed deer by Irving Schild. (“I’m the NRA -- “Nature’s Revenge Association.) The NRA promptly threatened to boycott MAD’s advertisers, which at the time were none. We loved it when stuff like that happened.  

With the publication of “The Ghastlygun Tinies,” The New York Times proclaimed that MAD suddenly had “a boost of relevancy,” which was proof positive that The Times wasn’t paying much attention to MAD in recent years. However, just like the new team, we had to continually deal with the endless comments about the loss of readership and how we weren’t as funny as the version of MAD that came before us.

It would be pure hubris and bluster for me to maintain that MAD would now be thriving had the comedy lineage not been broken by corporate forces beyond our control. The reality is that the MAD I loved and worked on for so many years may have collapsed even had the old team been retained. As I frequently said in the office, “we’re running out of numbers,” by which I meant sales. 

And so, I feel badly for the new MAD editorial team, which had to take over MAD on the fly without the necessary experience. And I feel even worse for the old MAD editorial team, my colleagues and friends who were not given the opportunity they richly deserved to run MAD themselves. 

The bottom line is that everyone involved did their best to keep MAD going and the news that it will soon vanish from newsstands is especially tough for any member of the MAD staff, old or new, to take.  

I am reminded of an exchange I had with Bill Gaines in the last interview he ever gave not long before he died, which was with me and remains unpublished:

Me: Do you care what happens to the magazine after you retire or die? 

Gaines: Of course, I care. MAD is one of my children. You think I wouldn’t care about one of my children?

Joe: What would you like to happen to MAD?

Gaines: I would like it to continue to be successful and go on forever.

Joe: Is that what you’d like for yourself, “to continue to be successful and go on forever”?

Gaines: Sure, but it won’t happen. In fact, it’s totally shocking that I’ve lived as long as I have.

Yes, it was shocking that Gaines lived as long as he did and perhaps even more shocking that MAD lived as long as it did. It was a marvelous 67-year run of subversive silliness.

Of course, I would be remiss if I did not add: “What, me worry?”  

With Their Non-Stop Apologies and Humorlessness, Democrats Are Planting the Seeds of Their Own Defeat

The official Democratic campaign slogan for 2020.

The official Democratic campaign slogan for 2020.

Joe Biden is the latest Democratic presidential hopeful to say he’s sorry. But his apology for invading the space of several women by being too physically affectionate has generated lousy reviews from liberal apology critics. 

Biden’s apology was this: “I’m sorry I didn’t understand more. I’m not sorry for any of my intentions. I’m not sorry for anything that I have ever done. I’ve never been disrespectful intentionally to a man or a woman.”

The New York Times called it a “mixed” apology. CNN’s Chris Cillizza wrote that Biden’s remarks “just made things worse.” Nancy Pelosi, who recently suggested that Biden stick to shaking hands, said his apology is “not an apology.” And Lucy Flores, who is Biden’s most vocal accuser, and please note a former Bernie Sanders supporter, tweeted “It’s clear that @Joe Biden hasn’t reflected on how his inappropriate and unsolicited touching made women feel uncomfortable. To make light as something as serious as consent degrades the conversation women everywhere are courageously trying to have.”

Right, that was Biden’s other unforgivable crime. He made some jokes.  As he took the stage to make his apology, Biden hugged Lonnie R. Stephenson, the president of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, and then quipped, “I just want you to know I had permission to hug Lonnie.” The audience applauded and chuckled, but liberal apology critics were not amused. The only jokes they enjoy are those at Trump’s expense. 

Later, upon noticing children in the audience and welcoming them to the stage, Biden put his arm around a young boy. “By the way, he gave me permission to touch him,” he said to more chuckles. But to liberal apology critics, the wisecrack served as further irrefutable proof that Biden was not taking seriously the extremely grave charges against him. 

And so, it has come to this: Joe Biden, the one Democrat who can almost assuredly beat Donald Trump in a national election, is being destroyed for being a warm and genuine person. Biden now feels compelled to issue light-hearted disclaimers before touching anyone in public. We’re told that he is not in-synch with the sensibilities and sensitives of modern liberalism. And actually, he’s not.  As an old, white, heterosexual, Christian man who touches women in public and has a sense of humor, Biden is everything that the new left doesn’t want in a presidential candidate. So, of course, he’s being vociferously defended by the gang at Fox And Friends

Liberals are empowering the fringes of the #MeToo movement while beating themselves up in the process. A recent headline in The Nation proclaimed, “Some Democrats Haven’t Learned The Lesson of #Me Too.” The article was written by a friend of Lucy Flores, who we’re supposed to think of as some kind of hero now for coming forward after five years to tell us that she felt “embarrassed,” “shocked,” and “confused” after Biden planted “a big slow kiss” on the back of her head.

Flores says that she does not mean to suggest that she felt “sexually assaulted or sexually harassed” by Biden. She felt “invaded” and I take her at her word. Some women receive Biden as good ol’ Uncle Joe and some receive him as a dirty old coot sneaking in hugs and nose-rubs. Assuming the worst is true, should Biden now be regarded as a hopelessly out-of-touch male pig from a bygone era? 

The Democrats are running against a toxic misogynist who has boasted about his unwelcomed pussy-grabbing and who habitually insults and debases women.  A cursory recap: 

Trump on Carly Fiorina: “Look at that face. Would anybody vote for that?” 

On Stormy Daniels: “Horseface.” 

On Jessica Chastain: “Not hot.” 

On Arianna Huffington: “Unattractive inside and out.” 

On Omarosa Manigault-Newman: “A dog.” 

On Mike Brzezinski: “She was bleeding badly from a face-life.” 

On Megyn Kelly: “Bimbo.” 

On Hillary Clinton: “If she can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America?” 

On his then 16-year old daughter: “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” 

Trump has apologized for not one of the comments above. Meanwhile, liberals treated Beto O’Rourke as if he were Jack The Ripper after he made a good-natured joke on the campaign trail that his wife, Amy, was back home raising their three kids “sometimes with my help.” Before you could say “spineless liberal,” Beto had delivered an utterly nauseating apology, shamefully admitting that his joke was “ham-handed.” By the way, as a vegetarian, I demand that Beto promise to refrain from making reference to luncheon meat in his future rhetoric. Has he ever even visited a factory farm? 

Elizabeth Warren has apologized for claiming that she was a Native American. Kirsten Gillibrand has apologized for her previous positions on guns and immigration. Bernie Sanders has apologized for the mistreatment of women during his 2016 campaign. Tusi Gabbard has apologized for previously supporting gay conversion therapy. The only people who apologize more than Democratic presidential candidates are comedians.

So now, I want to take this opportunity to apologize myself, not just for anything I have written in this essay that has offended anyone, but for my general insensitivity, ignorance, flatulence, forgetfulness, rudeness, crudeness, not covering my mouth when coughing, shoplifting, deceitfulness, anger, lack of discipline, stupidity, lack of gratitude, prejudice, coming on to women too strong, not coming on to women strong enough, my previous eating of chicken, jumping the turnstile, making fun of avocado toast, and crossing the street against the light. I’m very sorry.

None of this bodes well for the defeat of Trump, a mutant president with a perverse life force, who is as unapologetic as he is sociopathic.

National Emergencies I Would Declare Right Now

Our nation faces many many dire emergencies that a man of my hair should quickly address.

Our nation faces many many dire emergencies that a man of my hair should quickly address.

Donald Trump has declared a national emergency at our country’s southern border, even though there is none.  Meanwhile, there are actual national emergencies that he, and most everyone else, has overlooked. If so empowered, I would immediately declare the following national emergencies and take the actions prescribed below to remedy them. You’re welcome. 

Emergency: The average length of a baseball game feels longer than the Mueller investigation.

In 2018, the average length of a regular season baseball game was three hours. The average length of a postseason baseball game was three hours and thirty-one minutes. All of my well-reasoned solutions to pick up the pace of play – most notably, having a ball hit into the stands caught by a fan be ruled as an out – have been flatly rejected or ignored by the owners, players, or both. My emergency declaration would shorten the distance between bases to nine and a half feet, allow outfielders to wear jetpacks to increase the chances of them catching fly balls hit high over their heads, and mandate home plate umpires to declare a forfeit if a hitter steps of the batter’s box or scratches his crotch between pitches. Also, starting immediately, Manny Machado would be required to run to first base.

Emergency: We have a nationwide epidemic of drug commercials. 

According to USA Today, drugmakers spent over $6 billion in advertising, mostly for television commercials, in 2017. In 2019, it is projected that they will spend that much just to air spots during Morning Joe. Many of the drugs are for fictional ailments, such as Pink Tongue Syndrome. Drugs that are for real diseases either don’t work, you can’t afford, or have undesirable side effects, including numbness or tingling, vision problems, chest pains, shortness of breath, hives and itching, unusual bruising or bleeding, tuberculosis, loss of body fat and muscles, blood in phlegm, diarrhea, constipation, burning when you urinate, and thoughts of self-asphyxiation next Tuesday. My emergency declaration would require drug companies to actually show a drug’s side effects in their commercials rather than healthy people kayaking and shopping for antiques.  

Emergency: You can’t get a regular exorbitantly priced ticket to any concert you really want to attend. 

You were willing to debase yourself by spending $189.95, plus $106.25 in Ticketmaster fees for a seat in row ZZ in the upper tier mezzanine for The Eagles umpteenth final reunion tour. But the concert is sold out, even though tickets went on sale a mere 4.8 seconds ago. However, tickets are plentiful at Stubhub, or at a seemingly infinite number of other secondary ticket market websites. In fact, a truly sensational pair of seats to The Eagles umpteenth final reunion tour is yours for just $2,250.50, with the convenient option of having the tickets shipped to you overnight for as little as $42.99. As for that lousy seat you were hoping to get for $189.95, plus $106.25 in Ticketmaster fees, it can still be yours for the new bargain price of $475. My emergency declaration would direct all secondary market ticket-sellers to pay every cent they have ever collected above the face value of their tickets to concert-goers as compensation for their Ticketmaster fees. 

Emergency: It is impossible to find a restaurant that serves organic, gluten-free avocado toast. 

A recent review of menus from America’s 100 top-rated restaurants confirmed that not one of them currently offer organic, gluten-free avocado toast. While it is unclear when avocado toast actually became a thing, self-diagnosed gluten sensitivity has been intensely annoying since even before the inexplicable advent of coconut water in 2011. While organic farming began at the turn of the 19th century, it did not officially become a total pain in the ass until the launch of Whole Foods in 1980. Out of respect to organic, gluten-free, vegans, my emergency declaration, which I don’t really have to do, would mandate that all restaurants not serving organic, gluten-free avocado toast be required to post an illuminated sign on their front window which reads: “Sorry, we do not serve organic, gluten-free avocado toast.”  

Emergency: Most of the calls you will get this year will be from computers. 

It is estimated that nearly 50 billion robo calls will be made this year, two billion of them to you. CNN reports that the FCC reports that about half of the calls you will receive in 2019 will be robotic. The IRS may have issued a warrant for your arrest. Or you may be able to refinance your home while getting your penis enlarged. Or perhaps you’re a grand prize winner in the “international lottery” and the good news is that all you need to do to collect your winnings is provide your name and social security number. On the plus side, you don’t answer your phone or listen to your messages anyway, so no worries. My emergency declaration, on which I may get a bad ruling in the lower courts but maybe a fair shake in the Supreme Court, would make robo calls, as well as sending any email from “Express Pharmacy,” a crime punishable by death – in Oklahoma. 

Emergency: Unreturned shopping carts have created a horrific national parking space shortage at grocery stores. 

Drive into any supermarket parking lot and you will find countless unreturned shopping carts carelessly strewn about, blocking otherwise desirable parking spaces and causing millions of Americans to uncontrollably swear, even in the presence of their children. This well-known but seldom discussed social scourge often results in there being no carts for shoppers at a store’s entrance, which frequently induces further uncontrollable swearing, followed by an overall loss of faith in the decency of humanity. Supermarkets have tried addressing the issue by adding cart receptacles to lots, but the problem continues unabated. My emergency declaration would be to institute a variation of the airport luggage cart system at all supermarkets, requiring a payment of $5 for the use of a shopping cart, the full amount which would be repaid upon the return of the cart to whomever returns it. I know, it’s pure genius!

Emergency: Alec Baldwin’s Trump impersonation. 

The biggest threat to our nation, believe me, isn’t Donald Trump, it’s Donald Trump impersonator, Alec Baldwin. If you doubt this, just ask the poor schmuck that Baldwin punched in the face last year in a dispute over a parking spot. While America’s national security may be threatened by Trump’s lying, racism, misogyny, ignorance, and incompetence, it is Baldwin’s outrageous (and maybe slanderous?) spoofing of his lying, racism, misogyny, ignorance, and incompetence that is of far greater concern. Keep in mind that no other modern president, with the few exceptions of Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H. Bush, Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon and John Kennedy, have been subjected to such comic mockery. My emergency declaration would be to immediately remove Trump from office, thereby ending Baldwin’s dangerously unhinged reign as America’s Commander In-Chief impersonator. 

The Most Pressing Question of our Age: What is a Wall?

Not since Bill Clinton infamously wondered what the meaning of the word “is” is has America been so caught up in the definition of a word: What is a “wall?” 

Look to your left and right at this very moment and you will probably see a wall, but what is it? Have you even bothered to give this vitally important question any thought?  

Many walls connect to a ceiling, which raises the question, what is a ceiling? Paul Simon famously observed that “One Man’s Ceiling Is Another Man’s Floor.” But if you live on the top floor, Simon is flat-out wrong. 

A ceiling, regardless of whether it’s another man’s floor is actually a horizontal wall above one’s head supported by vertical walls, usually four. Viewed in this light, it may be said that a floor is a horizontal wall below one’s feet used for walking, or just standing around aimlessly. It must be noted that depending on which floor of a building you’re on, the wall beneath your feet (aka floor) may be supported itself by other vertical walls, usually four (see above), or it may rest on solid ground, in which case vertical walls, still usually four, to support it are not needed. 

My point is rather obvious, so I won’t waste the reader’s time by stating it. However, I do feel that given the current controversy over what actually constitutes a wall – for example, would mere “steel slats” do? – that we should turn to the dictionary for guidance, and not just any dictionary. This is America, and the question at hand as to what qualifies as a wall is as American as a mass shooting, therefore only the American Heritage Dictionary will do.  (The Oxford Dictionary, having originated in the United Kingdom, would provide a questionable European perspective and serve only to further muddy the already fetid waters.) 

The American Heritage Dictionary defines “wall” as “an upright structure (oops, this kills my theory that ceilings and floors are walls, sorry) of masonry, wood, plaster, or other material serving to enclose, divide, or protect an area…”  

This definition may be helpful to some, though is ultimately insufficient to deep thinkers, because in stating that a wall may be made from “masonry, wood, plaster, or other material” (italics mine), it suggests, wrongly it seems to me, that a wall can be made of anything, even cheese.

For a moment, let’s go with the cheese wall example. Assuming its purpose is to be eaten, perhaps with a corresponding wall of saltines, a cheese wall could serve as an appetizing novelty. But would any nation, except possibly France, build a wall of cheese, even hard cheese, to protect its borders from hungry refugees who would simply eat their way through?  

In terms of border security, by “wall” we generally mean “barrier,” or if not barrier, then barricade. It would serve us well then to remember that while a barricade is a barrier, a barrier is not necessarily a barricade.  A barrier may be a common fence, railing, or row of shrubbery, none of which is a barricade, or a wall for that matter. Under ordinary circumstances, this would bring me to the fascinating subject of partitions and ramparts, but at this pivotal time in our nation’s history the conversation is moot.

The sobering truth is that I don’t know what a wall is and neither do you. Perhaps a wall is like pornography in that it’s impossible to define definitively but you know it when you see it. Unless you don’t and end up walking into it head first. And that really hurts.

  

Louis C.K. Has Lost His Comedy Compass

Having spent my entire professional life in comedy, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that humorists are moralists. I am thinking of my 33 years as an Editor at MAD Magazine when I had a regular outlet to express my deeply felt moral outrage over every President from Reagan to Trump. We mostly liked Obama at MAD, but we still made fun of him and took him to task when he pissed us off. 

George Carlin was liberal, but he made fun of feminists, environmentalism and political correctness.  The greatest stand-ups, most all of whom are liberal, understand that satire is a non-partisan art form because hypocrisy, corruption and foolishness are not limited to any one political party or ideology. That said, Rush Limbaugh is no Chris Rock.

At MAD, it was always self-evident to us that there was no point in making jokes at the expense of the homeless, the terminally ill, victims of disasters and tragedies, or the politically powerless. That’s why the Marx Brothers never made a movie in which they caused mayhem at a soup kitchen. The upper-crust assholes of high society made for a much more deserving target. Likewise, when the Three Stooges were cast as plumbers called to fix a leaky faucet and ended up flooding their clients’ house, the homeowners were not humble and impoverished immigrants, they were pompous and rich American fat cats.   

This brings me to Louis C.K., a more talented and successful humorist than I ever was or will be, albeit one credibly accused of forcing female co-workers to watch him jerk-off.  C.K., who not long ago sold-out Madison Square Garden, is currently attempting to revive his stalled career by playing comedy clubs. Yesterday, a recording of a recent performance of his was posted online that will likely prove to be the most damaging to a comedian since Michael Richards’ infamous racist tirade in 2006.  

For reasons known only to him, C.K. decided that the student survivors of the mass shooting at Parkland High School were ripe for satire. He compares them unfavorably to the high-schoolers of his youth, who in his own words were “idiots, getting high and doing mushrooms.”  So, what’s his problem with the Parkland kids? As he put it:

“They’re going to testify, in front of Congress, these kids? What the fuck? What are you doing? You’re young, you should be crazy, you should be unhinged, not in a suit saying, “I’m here to tell…”  “Fuck you!” You’re not interesting because you went to a high school where kids got shot. Why does that mean I have to listen to you? How does that make you interesting? You didn’t get shot. You pushed some fat kid in the way. Now I have to listen to you talking?”

Perhaps I shouldn’t be, but I’m shocked that a standup as gifted as C.K. could make this kind of error.  How could he have ever thought it was a good idea to make fun of and undermine teenagers who have responded to a horrific tragedy by becoming social activists? 

The function of satire is to reveal truth through exaggeration and humor. There is no way that Louis C.K. doesn’t know that. But what is the truth revealed in this monologue? Is it his truth? That the students who survived Parkland did so because they used the fat kids as shields? Or that the Parkland kids should be more like C.K. and his pals were in their youth and get high rather than putting on suits and working for positive social change?

You would think such sickening, tone-deaf material would have bombed, but it didn’t. In fact, it was received by much uproarious laughter. The Parkland bit came well into C.K.’s set, after he had won the audience over. And once an audience starts laughing, well, apparently, they will even laugh at this.

The backlash has been swift. These days the backlash is always swift when a comedian makes a joke that many people find offensive. Just ask Samantha Bee, Michelle Wolf, Bill Maher or Kathy Griffin.  But not all jokes that offend are created equal. Of the aforementioned comedians who have recently been in hot water, only Michelle Wolf refused to apologize because she was credibly able to stand by her material. But when a comedian is unable to do that, they have no choice but to apologize or withdraw from the scene in disgrace. 

Will Louis C.K. stand by this material? Of course, he won’t, though he has a lot more important issues to address than the quality of his wisecracks. First, he needs to address the charges of sexual misconduct against him. And then he needs to find his comedy compass.